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Ruptured Spleen
Sunday, November 30, 2003
My inner child is six years old!
Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Saturday, November 29, 2003
1. Successfully catered to heavily bankrolled special interests and giant multinational corporations while totally ignoring the needs of working Americans, retirees, and the environment.
2. Successfully squandered the entire stock of worldwide empathy and goodwill that accrued to America following 9/11 by invading Iraq under false pretenses and without the approval of the United Nations.
3. Successfully told all other nations 'you are either with us or against us,' thus reducing the art of American diplomacy to the language and tactics of schoolyard bullies.
4. Successfully avoided his military responsibilities by deserting from the U. S. Air Force, and then used his father's connections to avoid prosecution.
5. Successfully attended over 40 political fundraisers in 2003, but did not attend any of the funerals for the hundreds of U.S. soldiers who lost their lives.
6. Successfully rammed a prescription drug program through Congress that promises to destroy Medicare by providing windfall profits to drug companies, HMOs, and insurance companies, and hardly any benefits for seniors.
7. Successfully presided over more executions than any other governor in America's history.
8. Successfully rammed the USA Patriot Act through an unwary Congress, thus dealing the greatest blow to civil rights ever experienced in America.
9. Successfully expanded the role of the military to spy on Americans, a mission unprecedented in American history.
10. Successfully ignored the statement of General Tommy Franks, the man appointed by Bush II to plan and execute the disastrous American invasion of Iraq, that any future terrorist attacks on the U.S. would lead to the suspension of the U.S. Constitution and military rule in America.
11. Successfully used counterterrorism law to chill free speech and the right to peaceably assemble by directing the FBI to investigate individuals and groups protesting his pre-emptive military doctrine and elective wars.
12. Successfully smears all those who disagree with his new American militarism as unpatriotic.
13. Successfully ordered American reserve units into action in Iraq without upgrading their equipment to the level of protection afforded regular Army units.
14. Successfully parades as a deeply religious Christian, yet he daily ignores Jesus as he pursues war instead of peace.
15.Successfully looted the U.S. Treasury of nearly $3 trillion to provide payoffs to the 1% of Americans who are already wealthy, effectively saddling 99% of us, and future generations, with new debt of $125,000 to $250,000 per person.
16. Successfully labeled his looting of the U.S. Treasury as tax cuts for for everyone. Actually, the zero to $200 in tax relief that low and middle-income groups did receive was more than offset by increases in local property and state taxes, tuition hikes, and increased energy costs, all made necessary to offset Bush II budget cuts and military adventurism. Meanwhile, the average millionaire (Bush II campaign contributors) received payoffs averaging over $90,000.
17. Successfully transfigured the huge federal budget surplus created by Democrats into an endless sea of Republican red ink (deficits).
18. Successfully cut federal funding for the delivery of vital state and local services to disadvantaged and needy people, deviously labeling the cuts as necessary to reduce the Republican-created deficit.
19. Successfully ignored intelligence reports warning that a 9/11-type attack was imminent, and refuses to cooperate with legally constituted commissions that are investigating what really happened on and before 9/11.
20. Successfully avoided responding to the inquiries of the families of the 9/11 victims, calling their unanswered questions unimportant and unnecessary. By and large the mass media, with only rare exceptions, ignores the unanswered questions.
21. Successfully leaked the name of an undercover CIA agent (a felony) to the press, and has refused to cooperate in the continuing criminal investigation of White House personnel to find the leaker.
22. Successfully expanded weapons spending (including vast new funding for the research and development of new nuclear weapons) beyond anything needed for real national security for the sole purpose on enriching family and friends.
23. Successfully ignored the needs of 45 million Americans, mostly women and children, who cannot afford health insurance.
24. Successfully staged a chauffeured landing on an aircraft carrier to announce victory in Iraq, thus falsely portraying himself as a hero when in fact no such victory had obtained.
25. Successfully promised to find bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but failed to deliver on the promises.
26. Successfully protected approximately 20 members of the bin Laden family by secretly spiriting them out of the U.S. the day after 9/11.
27. Successfully stalled an investigation into whether or not NORAD received orders to stand down on or before 9/11.
28. Successfully drafted a Roadmap for Peace in the Middle East, but has instead pursued a policy of war, war, and more war.
29. Successfully told hundreds of lies to the American people.
30. Successfully aided and abetted the consolidation of the mass media so that a few billionaires now control what is euphemistically called America's free press.
31. Successfully created heightened global instability and insecurity by withdrawing America from important longstanding treaty obligations.
32. Successfully encouraged anti-democratic campaign fund-raising and special interest lobbying practices that are really nothing but outright bribery.
33. Successfully waged a continuing war on women by aggressively trying to restrict a woman's right to choose.
34. Successfully waged war on the environment by dismantling sections of landmark environmental legislation including the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts.
35. Successfully waged a continuing war on working Americans by promoting the export of their jobs overseas and hindering the rights of workers to form unions and receive overtime pay.
36. Successfully waged a continuing war on the elderly and on future generations of Americans with efforts to cripple Medicare and Social Security, and failed to do anything protect employee pension plans from unscrupulous employers.
37. Successfully waged a continuing war against the bedrock American principles that separate church from state by attempting to transform our public schools into houses of worship and funding faith-based organizations with taxpayer dollars.
38. Successfully curtailed the development of cures for major diseases by overly restricting stem cell research.
39. Successfully violated two international laws (The Hague Regulations of 1907 and the Geneva Convention of 1949 and the US Army code of war) by ignoring the Iraqi Constitution which forbids the privatization of key state assets and bars foreigners from owning Iraqi firms.
40. Successfully aided and abetted the expansion of the anti-democratic powers of giant multinational corporations, and failed to prosecute gross corporate criminality.
41. Successfully destroyed America's credibility in the United Nations and throughout the world by opting to pursue elective wars, thereby creating conditions favorable for the intensification of terrorism, and removing America from the world's family of nations.
42. Successfully introduced an inept economic program that failed to create a single American job, lowered wage rates, and lost 3 million American jobs.
43. Successfully implemented schemes (phony tax cuts and excessive weapons spending) that served as means to transfer large chunks of our national wealth from working people to the 1% who are already wealthy.
44. Successfully transformed America into the target of choice for ridicule from abroad.
45. Successfully created a Department of Homeland Security to protect Americans from terrorist attacks, but did not provide the funds necessary to do the job.
46. Successfully invaded Iraq without any exit strategy, a catastrophic planning blunder that is now costing hundreds of American lives, thousands of American casualties, thousands of Iraqi lives, and hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars.
47. Successfully created near total chaos in Afghanistan by installing a puppet regime whose authority is limited to Kabul (the capitol city), allowing the rest of the country to fall into violent anarchy and become the world's # 1 supplier of heroin and safe haven of choice for terrorists.
48. Successfully handed global terrorism victories by failing to destroy al Qaeda and the Taliban, and by curtailing the civil rights of every American. Al Qaeda is regrouping and stronger than ever. The Taliban are regrouping in Afghanistan and positioning themselves to topple the American installed government.
49. Successfully cut funds for veterans' health care and raised eligibility requirements.
50. Successfully reduced hazardous duty compensation for veterans.
51. Successfully created an energy plan that entirely fails to address America's strategic need to become energy independent, while providing substantial tax relief to the full array of Republican-run energy companies. Fortunately, the plan failed to win Congressional approval.
52. Successfully aided and abetted the recall of Governor Gray Davis for the purpose of delivering California in 2004 presidential election.
53. Successfully elevated the sophistication of political rhetoric by calling environmentalists 'green, green, lima beans.'
54. Successfully portrays himself as a Texas rancher when even his wife refers to him as a 'windshield cowboy.'
55. Successfully promotes himself as a self-made rugged individualist when, in fact, his entire education and career was built on the use of his father's name to gain entry into Harvard and Yale and to attract large sums of investment capital.
56. Successfully promised to leave no child behind (educationally speaking), and then delivered nothing but an unfunded mandate that thwarts all efforts to level America's educational playing field.
57. Successfully destroyed the infrastructure of Iraq and then committed hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to rebuilding it; meanwhile, the rebuilding of America's crumbling infrastructure is all but ignored.
58. Successfully created numerous opportunities for Republican-run companies to profit from his disastrous pre-emptive war policy (the invasion of Iraq was based on pre-emption even though Bush knew Iraq posed no threat to the U.S. or its neighbors). An example of Republican war profiteering is Halliburton (Cheney's old company), which charges the U.S. Army in Iraq nearly $2.00 a gallon for gas that they could purchase from Iraqis for five to ten cents a gallon.
58. Successfully but unnecessarily put our troops in harms way in Iraq.
60. Successfully announced a series of false terrorist threats that unnecessarily spread fear and loathing throughout America for the sole purpose of promoting Bush's elective wars and fooling the Americans into thinking their government was hard at work protecting them.
61. Successfully transformed the executive branch of government into an operation more secretive than the CIA and far more threatening than organized crime or any terrorist organization ever could be.
www.theamericanchallenge.com,
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Friday, November 14, 2003
Solipsism Warning:
The consumer should be aware that he or she may be the only entity in
the universe, and therefore that any perceived defects in product
quality are the consumer's own fault.
Determinism Safety Advisory:
Every citizen be advised that despite the possibility that his or her
acts are all entirely predetermined by the blind mechanical nature of
the universe and are therefore unavoidable and inescapable, he or she
will still incur a legal responsibility and liability for any torts,
violations, misdemeanors, or felonies he or she commits.
Knowledge-Definition Warning:
Because knowledge is defined for the purpose of this product
literature as "justified true belief", the manufacturer cannot prove
that they "know" any of the information provided with this product to
be true, correct, complete, or consistent because they cannot
demonstrate their internal belief states through the principle of
Philosphic Privacy.
Cartesian Evil Genius Alert:
The reader is advised that he or she may be subject to an illusion
generated by an evil genius, and that his or her "sensory fibers" may
be falsely manipulated at any time with neither advance warning nor
any possible legal remedy.
Epistemological Denotation Warning:
The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility
of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of
the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety
warnings (including this one), associated with this product may
contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.
Non-Universal Ethics Notice:
Due to the possibility that a common notion of ethics are not
universally shared by all sentient beings, and that therefore the
manufacturer may have entirely different concept of "fairness",
"equity", "honesty", and "integrity" than the consumer, the consumer
should not expect the product purchased to conform in any way to the
advertised properties of the product.
Godelian Product Disclaimer:
As it has been proven that there are many true but unproveable
statements, the manufacturer cannot be held liable for any of its
unsupported product claims.
Penrose Addendum to Godelian Disclaimer:
Despite the above warning, the manufacturer is confident that all its
product claims are true because of its mystically acquired and
computationally unrepudiable organic intuition. Unfortunately, the
manufacturer cannot in any way demonstrate that its intuition is
correct, or indeed that it has an intuition.
Philosopher-General's Existentialist Tobacco Products Label:
Warning! this product has been found to cause cancer and ephysema,
and to lead to increased likelihood of strokes and heart
disease. However, as the Universe is a soulless waste inhabited by
unthinking machines it doesn't matter in the least whether you smoke
or not. Go ahead, light up, it's all the same to me if you live or
die.
Cheerfully acknowledged as stolen from the anonymous web...
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT...URGENT
To:
Citizen-Drones returning from Enemy territory, in particular Canada, France, Germany and other parts of the UnIncorporated Sphere
From:
Col. Kerry Mebac T'Olverginee
Director
Office of Public Composure
Department of Homeland Security
United Incorporation of America
This communique is to inform you of the changes to the body politic that have been made in your absence, to insure that there are no unseemly displays, public or private, upon your return.
1. When speaking or in writing, The President may be referred to only as The Dear Leader. No other usage is permitted. His Name should NEVER be spoken aloud.
2. His Proper Title must always be said with an attitude of convinced reverence in both vocal tone and phrasing. Strive to show your appreciation of His Heroic Efforts. You are NEVER permitted to express anything that may construed as negative or as a criticism.
3. Whenever His Proper Title is said, you must adopt The Appropriate Body Posture:
Eyes MUST be averted, shoulders MUST be hunched in submission, and you MUST tug at your forlock.
4. At no time, when speaking of The Dear Leader, may you use any emotion, adjective or phrase that suggests anything other than utmost devotion and praise.
5. These regulations also apply to any and all written communication.
6. Observation by, or notification to, this Office of any failure to obey these regulations will result in sure, swift and robust action. Such action may include, but are not strictly limited to, any or all of the following:
a. Loss of Citizen-Droneship
b. Arrest without warrant, warning or notice
c. Disappearence from the Corporateweal
d. Summary courtmartial before an appropriate Star Chamber
e. Confinement without parole or appeal in the open air tropical prison of our choice
f. Exportation to a non-neutral country for enhanced questioning
g. Death by Mongo or any other approved method
7. Citizen-Drones are reminded that at your star chamber trial, there is a Constitutional right to an attorney. One will be provided to you from the Customer Service Staff of the Department of Justice.
I hope that this will be of assistance in your transition back to life in the Free World. Often when returning from those parts of the world as yet untouched by The Dear Leader's Glory, it is difficult to remember that our precious corporate freedoms are best served by the close control of your actions. Display of any emotion, other than patriotic fervor, is an aid to the enemy and will be treated as such.
Welcome Back.
The Dear Leader awaits your praise.
Col. Kerry Mebac T'Olverginnee
Director
Office of Public Composure
Department of Homeland Security
United Incorporation of America
Authorship sheepishly acknowledged by blog owner.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
from the eternal wisdom of the anonymous web.
HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.
The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons
exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass"
Sunday, November 09, 2003
from the web..
Religion in a nutshell
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
>From the desk of Karl
1.Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.Use alcohol in moderation.
3.Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4.Eat right.
5.Hank dictated this list Himself.
6.The moon is made of green cheese.
7.Everything Hank says is right.
8.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.Don't use alcohol.
10.Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
